Contentment.

"Success always begins with discontent." Recently I witnessed a fortune cookie being opened which said pretty much just that. My roommate threw it aside and passed it off as a philosophical conundrum. I, on the other hand, thought about it for a second and decided the author must be a very sad person. Though I can process clearly how that would come about as a thought, I think it's downright sullen.

When I was about nine years old, contentment for me was holding my kitten Peaches while sporting a fuzzy sweater and looking out into my snowy backyard. At sixteen, it was spending a night at my friend's house making a mess in her kitchen and watching a series of movies or TV shows until we fell asleep in her living room. And well, as stupid as it sounds, fuzzy things and best friends have always been great motivators in my life to this day.

Tagging discontent as the catalyst for action could be correct for some people, but I find it horrible. In my life it was always the fun things that motivated me to do more and perform better. For example, I apparently asked for a violin at age four. At eight, after continued interest (and probably tons of pestering), my grandmother loaned me hers. With no pressure from my parents, I decided that I'd play it and play it well. I wound up having a passion for it all the way through high school, and I played my heart out at concerts and events. The greatest compliment I ever received was from my grandfather, who admitted he couldn't stand violin music because of the bad noises that people can make by mistake. But he told me that when I played, it was so beautiful he could actually listen and enjoy. But that was just one of those things for which my own enjoyment was actually the motivation behind bettering myself.

But when I got a little older and was still playing, I got very conscious of other people listening. I began to be selfish with my music. I didn't want anyone hearing my mistakes, much less hearing me create "stupid" little songs of my own which I threw to the wind after a few strokes on the strings. I literally started running away from my own possibilities as a sparkling individual. This is the scary part of me where I started to lose myself and began to "grow up," in the bad way. Growing up afraid of what everyone else would think.

So this is kind of where I am as a young adult. I don't really care what anyone thinks of my interests any more. If I decide I want to be a starving writer at my local newspaper because I find words passionate, I will write. I don't know what exactly I want to do, but for now I'm making enough money to get by, and indulging my interests when I come home. I make stuff, I bake stuff, I draw, I dream, I hang out with much more interesting people than I ever have. I'm content, and it's my contentment that will drive me to success by way of finding something of my own to develop. I wasn't made by God to like the things I like for no reason. I really like the passionate little violin player that I used to be, as nerdy and lovely as she was.

man who run in front of car get tired, man who run in behind get exhausted

I never realized how much an 8-5 job drains me. It doesn't feel that draining while I'm actually there, but only when I arrive home and don't want to move... at all. I love my new job: I feel helpful, and smart, and I've got lots of places to go up from here. But I'm tired! Thank goodness for the weekends. This weekend should be fun; I'm going up to Heather's for a Halloween party. And I might get to go pick pumpkins with Jen and carve them. I love friends. I wish I had all the energy in the world so I could just constantly hang out with my friends, instead of being pooped when I come home. I still love all my friends anyway, for you who are reading this <3

why?!

I've been asked like six or seven times this week whether I "know so-and-so" or whether I'm "related to who-knows". And when I say no, everyone says, "Oh, well you look like her."

What is this? I thought my exceptional paleness set me apart. I'm disappointed.

another sweet weekend

I love my new job, and the weekends which are now possible because of it! Last night I got to hang out with Mark, who I haven't seen pretty much since school was out! And I spent my entire day today watching movies with Trapper, and going to IHOP with a bunch of our friends and pigging out on French Toast for dinner. Last weekend we even played Gauntlet, and usually I absolutely hate video games (especially really OLD ones!) So I know something is making me happy. Life is getting sweeter. Having two days a week off is so unexpectedly amazing... I no longer have to tell people no on the weekends :)

losing weight

Okay, some might think this post will be ridiculous, so I will start with this: I know I am not fat. But I am trying really hard to lose some more weight and not have it be a temporary thing. I want to be toned. And I am really short, so extra weight looks pretty bad on me and not to mention it is a health risk.

My eating habits improved drastically since last year and I lost eighteen pounds. But I'm still really pudgy in some places. And, my weight seems to fluctuate more than a politician's opinion. One week I weigh 129 lbs and I wake up with washboard abs, and the next week I feel like I weigh a whole ton.

I have no access to any weight training machines... only a treadmill and two stationary bikes. I get headaches which last for two days (beginning to think they are migraines after my Dad's experiences) and interfere with my desire to go work out. I have exercise-induced asthma which kicks in seriously any time I exercise outdoors. I use caffeine pretty much daily to push through my morning allergy fog. And I want to train to run a 10k with my sister. I've come to realize I am really UNHEALTHY! I need some advice for motivation, and I suppose I need to go to the doctor to resolve the asthma.

I want to stop feeling squishy and start feeling amazing. Hopefully writing this and reading it periodically will help me keep track. I can look back on my high school days where I ran several miles some weekends just to relax... man, I was so skinny...

eybrow

I must have bruised my eyebrow last night! it hurts!