all I have to do is...

I got the job at the newspaper! I start tomorrow. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say about it after a few weeks... it sounds difficult, but I do like a challenge. And I like things that change constantly. I'm going to be assisting 8 advertisement salespeople at the Daily Times, and I'm sure I'll have at least 8 different things going on and changing every day.

I feel better now that I have a job. It's one less thing to worry about, and one step completed that I really wanted. My best friend got engaged recently, and I'm really excited about that. A lot more of my friends from around here came back to Salisbury this week for school, and that's awesome too. Cat and Nicole and I went to the pool party/luau that my new apartment complex held for all the residents today. Tomorrow I'll see Trapper, and I will finally see my best friend Jen on Friday and hopefully the rest of the weekend too! We might go up to the beach with Cat or something... something fun.

Just on a side note, I really hate spiders. Get out of my room. Five bites is more than enough, and they're uglier than mosquito bites. Come September 14th, you're all dead.

Anyway, I've been reading a lot and working on my scrapbooking. It's so nice to finally have time to do stuff just for me. When I was in school, I had no time for this kind of stuff. Thankfully, I can leave my work at work, and when I get home I can relax and do what I please. It's pretty sweet. Is it so bad to keep busy all the time and be content doing what I do? I constantly fight myself about whether it's okay to just get lost in books and crafts and hanging out and not worry about everything else too much. It's a welcome feeling for sure, but then there's this dark side of me that creeps out and says "HELLO! be productive! Worry about your life more!" Well... for the rest of the summer at least, I think I'm going to put that away. I need time to do fun stuff. Surgery wasn't fun, and neither was posting 15 resumes and getting just two responses. Time to celebrate and relax, now.

I really can't sleep

There are a ton of things bothering me, most of which I don't even want to talk about. And I've been awake, praying, for hours, and it's 5:16am. I shouldn't even have to be in this position... I'm working six days a week to try to pay the bills (and the bills of an irresponsible ex-roommate, too) and I really need my sleep. I feel immature and developmentally slow (as in more of my future should be figured out), and I shouldn't ever have to deal with these emotions I'm having right now. I should have a secure adulthood by this point. I'm 23 years old and I should have a steady relationship and a normal job. What happened?!

My entire life hangs on the decisions I have to make, and I feel paralyzed by my own previous decisions. I can't find a job, I'm not sure I'm doing some things right, and I am so far away from my own ideals of how my life should be that I can't be happy doing this. I hate working at Outback so much that I don't ever want to go. I can't help but feel like I can't find a job because I'm not supposed to still be in Salisbury. I don't know why I found an apartment down here. I stayed for the wrong reason. I feel so mixed up right now that I just don't even know which way to turn, and being down here hasn't been the best spiritually enriching experience that I've had, either.

My peace lily hasn't bloomed in over four years, and my goldfish are nipping at each other every night. I miss my family, especially the Johnsons, and my sinuses are hurting again even though I just had surgery. When is everything going to stop sucking and start being great? I'm trying so, so hard.

ooh

Heh. I want one of these for my next Christmas/Birthday/Whatever.

You can get them here

Memoirs

Of my grandparents. As I get older and think of family more, I often remember how amazing my late grandparents were.

Grandma Young--you were always taking us to do new things. Ice skating, gardening, walking at the park... we never got bored with you. You knew so much about both the plants you tended and the people you loved. You taught us that if we ever got stuck in the wild, we could eat day lilies and "tissue weed". Mom wasn't so sure about all that, but I thought it was great. Flint and steel. I remember standing in your garden, snapping your sweet peas off the vines and tasting them in the summer. I remember dancing in circles swinging from the rotating clothesline in your backyard, filled with glee that my sister and I were not getting caught. You told us how you used to have lilac growing on the side facing your neighbor's home, but that Dad had been allergic as a child and could not have it around. I imagined what it would be like to grow up in your house, grow up in an impossible time warp. I'll never forget how graceful and wise you were before you died. Unwavering faith radiated from you and struck my father with its peace. I will always remember how warm you were, and how much you loved your grandchildren.

Grandad Cobourn--the founder of The Tough Club. When I had my first surgery at age nine, you told me that I was tougher than anything and would get through it. I was the charter member of the tough club, and I could eat as many mini Snickers bars as I wanted when I went to your shop in the garage. I remember holding the ends of your "bolo ties" and looking up as you told me stories. You always wore dark jeans and what I thought of as cowboy shirts. You also took us for walks, and took us camping in your Coachmen RV with Grandma. You always had answers... if you didn't know something, you would imagine something instead: the 'tiswood tree. You told us scary stories, held us when we were little, let us watch Charlie Brown, and smiled at us. I remember watching you teach my baby brother how to drill a hole with a hand drill turned by a crank. I remember you cooking amazing hamburgers for us in the backyard at your last house. Seeing you become sick broke our hearts, but it taught me inexpressible truths even at my age of 10. I will always remember your tall smile and your enduring outlook, and all of the things we did together for fun.

Love you both.